Have you tried Whole30?
Autoimmune paleo? The FODMAP diet? Keto? Paleo? Have you tried cutting out nightshades?
Do you meditate?
Have you tried Transcendental Meditation? Mantra meditation? Vagus-nerve breathing? Somatic therapy?
What type of chair do you have?
What type of mouse do you have? Have you tried a separated keyboard?
Have you tried a gaming chair?
Have you gotten your blood sugar checked? Maybe it’s your thyroid?
IN-BOX Subject: “Your order of ‘Pain-Free for Women: The . . .’ ” Your estimated delivery date is November 12, 2013.
Have you cut out sugar? Any relief with the alkaline diet?
Have you tested your home for mold?
Do you eat dairy?
IN-BOX Subject: “Michelle, Did Memory-Foam Massage Mat with Heat, Six Therapy Heating Pad . . .”
Let me give you the number for my Rolfer. Ohhh, you’ve done Rolfing? O.K., but Sean is who you need to see.
Would you consider talking to a psychic about it?
IN-BOX Subject: “Appointment This Week?” We miss you around here . . . are you able to come in and see . . .
IN-BOX Subject: “Your order of ‘Thera-Cane Massager’ and three more items . . .” Your estimated delivery date is September 10, 2014.
Are you a perfectionist?
Have you read Dr. Sarno? You have to read Dr. Sarno. My pain is gone after reading Dr. Sarno. Gone!!!
Have you tried Feldenkrais? Alexander technique? Orthotics?
IN-BOX Subject: “Happy Holidays!” Our holiday schedule is filling up fast, so get in on the healing today!
Would you consider going to Brazil? Have you heard about that one shaman who treats you for free if you are able to find him?
Ayahuasca? The “purging” part is not that bad, I swear to God!
You have to see Margaret for cold laser.
Have you considered that you’re not allowing yourself to heal?
They say the placebo method—
Are you in therapy?
Have you done E.M.D.R.?
IN-BOX Subject: “Postural Stress Analysis & Treatment Plan” We believe that “your spine is your lifeline.”
Have you tried a rib belt? Kinesio tape? Cupping?
Do you wear a brace for it?
Have you considered changing careers?
Going back to school?
Hang on, do you meditate?
What about acupuncture?
Vitamin D? Glucosamine and chondroitin?
Collagen? It’s not that bad if you add it to a smoothie!
Wait, but have you tried—
IN-BOX Subject: “Help Quarantine Become Less of a Pain in the Neck!” Hi there, Are you suffering . . .
This excerpt is drawn from “Maybe This Will Help: How to Feel Better When Things Stay the Same,” by Michelle Rial, out this month from Chronicle Books.