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The Onion’s Guide To Tea


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Tea is the most popular beverage in the world after water, but learning about and enjoying tea can be intimidating to newcomers. The Onion offers a helpful guide to everything you need to know about tea.

Jasmine Green: Full of antioxidants, this tea artfully masks the hot grass taste of regular tea.

Thai Tea: The most socially acceptable way to drink a cup full of sweetened condensed milk.

Black Tea: This stronger variety stands up best to accidentally overbrewing for five hours, then reheating in a microwave, then forgetting it again and rediscovering it in the morning.

Chamomile: Soothing tea some people drink at bedtime before taking a Lunesta 45 minutes later.

White Tea: Picked in spring, the delicate leaves require a special brewing, and are known to audibly sneer if you place them in a silicone strainer shaped like an animal.

Snapple: Tastes great with a splash of warm milk.

Vacant Teavana Store In A Mall Tea: If you’re lucky, the vacant Teavana at your local mall will still have leftover free samples of the herbal tea that’s good enough when it’s free but not good enough to buy.

Lapsang Souchong: Give it as a gift to your parents and they’ll be sure to keep it in the back of their pantry unopened for decades to come.

Hibiscus: This sweet, floral tea will whisk you away to a tropical locale where you’ll remain forever, never to see your loved ones again in your prison of paradise.

Coffee: The only tea that actually works.

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